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Press-releases make me cry.

Somewhere in the world at this very moment, some PR guy is writing a biography on a band from nothing more than a handful of demos and maybe a timeline scribbled on the back of a user's manual for a home pregnancy test. The final product is largely the result of a vacant personality and a bachelor's degree in marketing (see synonyms at "vacant personality"), and thus is fairly predictable. Below, I have endeavored to describe the common rock biography format. Keep in mind that this technique also works well (with minimal alterations) for reviews of albums and live shows both.

The first couple sentences in a rock biography always play down the current state of affairs in the music industry. For example: "In today's world of cookie-cutter music, where stardom is defined by a combination of macro-economics and flavour-of-the-week fashionista image, it is rare to find a group of musicians whose image does not take precedence over their artistic merit."

Next, it is time to play up the band. While exaggeration is good here, in most cases downright deceit is preferable. Careful attention should be paid to the current duration of the band's career: If the band has not yet recorded an album, you should mention their youth; the freshness they bring "to the table." If the band are a bunch of geezers, you should mention the amount of experience and maturity they bring "to the table." Under no circumstances may you discuss drinking people under this table.

Finally, the individual band members are mentioned. Your vocalist is white? Talk about their inner struggles and tough childhood. Your bass guitarist played in a funk band? Mention his red-hot Caribbean influences. Be creative. Typical order goes something like this:

1: Vocalist: Mention how they never took lessons, even if they are Professor Emeritus at a fucking vocal academy; if female, then compare only to Alanis Morissette. Never compare a man to anybody (unless they look like Alanis Morissette).

2: Guitarist: Mention something about "rawness". Avoid terms such as "crackle", "chunky", or other tinny sorts of words, which are more indicative of equipment than technique.

3: Bassist: Talk about "laying down a steady rhythm", or else slop him together with the drummer, since together they constitute the "rhythm section.

4: Drummer Mention him last, in passing. Stick him in with the bassist, or maybe just say something along the lines of how he "holds it all together with his solid beats."

For the biography's conclusion, simply talk about what "the future holds" for these talented musicians! A+ work, you've done it! Here, have a cigar, you have earned it.

And thank you, viewers, for allowing me this extended rant. Here is your reward.

I discovered Mew because I like kitty cats.

Mew craft forgettable songs... but the reason they are forgettable isn't because they are trite or mediocre. Similarly, they are not avant-garde, and do not come off to me as experimental in any sense. Experimentation is for the restless, the eager. Mew is not restless. Mew is not eager. The reason Mew is forgettable is simply because, prior to being able to to forget something, one must be able to grasp it first. Mew is evasive. Mew is the sound of the one cat scratching. Mew

When I first heard the opening blasts of "Am I Wry? No", I felt a type of infantile wonderment, as if I were viewing a colour that my eyes had never rested on before. For a moment I was lost in the sheer ecstasy of it all, but now I am forced to pace the darkened streets at night, for now and for all of time, wishing, wondering how the fuck I am supposed to explain Mew to someone who makes kebab.

Someone with three wives: Two of which are women dressed like men, and one of which is just a man with large breasticles..

Someone who makes kebab.

Fin.


Posted by Earlyriser at 03:40 PM October 17, 2003

No no that was just perfect.

You dumbed it down by just the right amount. I understood all of it.

Comment posted by: ExistAngst at October 19, 2003 01:20 AM

That was one of the best posts ive read all year. It's good to see someone taking the effort to write something notable, and give us something to aspire to in our own entries in the alt. i give that
****1/2 four and a half stars.

Comment posted by: Mattsurbate at October 19, 2003 09:51 AM

thanks for that... now i can write some PRs for some bands..

Comment posted by: bob at October 20, 2003 10:20 PM

ryan what the webpage to post again i ben tryin to find it in my logs last week and asking people but they wont tell me...

Comment posted by: Rhyder at October 21, 2003 01:03 PM

i actually didn't like this post. music is simple and so should be the same for posts. 'am i wry? no' is a re-release too, which im sure you mentioned in your novel there somewhere...
i think this sites going to shit

Comment posted by: at October 22, 2003 07:03 PM

cool post, sondra \m/

w0rd

Comment posted by: bo||e at November 8, 2003 01:30 AM

ooo sondra is wonderfully... angsty in a good way :D i love mew and it's her fault. mew

Comment posted by: siren at December 11, 2003 10:18 PM


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